Why Failure is Part of the Process When You’re Trying to Make New Habits Stick

Have you ever heard the term “self-sabotage?”

Even if you’re not familiar, it’s very likely you’ve experienced it. 

You may have sabotaged a relationship in the past, or maybe you’ve even been sabotaged by someone else at some point in your life (the worst!). But in the context of health and wellness, here we’re talking about sabotaging our own efforts when it comes to our health goals.

It’s that point in the process of adopting new, healthier habits and trying to get them to stick where things have been going well, but then all of a sudden you start to revert back to your old ways. You go back to old habits you’ve worked so hard to get away from. The annoying part? Sometimes you don’t even know why you’re doing it. 

Clients come to me at this point feeling defeated. Like they’ve failed. But before you get down on yourself, try to reframe this as part of the process.

You’re not a failure. You are, in fact, right where you should be. 

It’s actually a GOOD sign that you’re seeing this resistance. 

To explain why, we have to understand how our brain works:

Your brain has sections that are responsible for different things — parts that are responsible for higher thinking and reasoning, and others that have purely primal and emotional functions. I’ll refer to this primal/emotional side as the “critter brain.”

Your critter brain’s primary concern is to keep you safe and comfortable. That means it wants everything to stay predictable and the same for you — your habits, your environment, your thoughts, etc. Basically, any change is a threat. 

When your higher-thinking-brain sees that your old habits aren’t serving you anymore (like that nightly ice cream habit that’s comforting but added 15 pounds to your waistline and is slowing you down), you try to change your habits and begin eating healthier. You may start a new workout routine that you haven’t tried before, and you start spending your time differently.

After a few weeks of these new and improved habits, your brain starts to sound the alarm because it sees these changes as a threat to your basic primal needs of love, safety, and belonging. This sends your critter brain into a panic, so it tries to calm you down and regain balance by bringing back the old, comforting habits (like the ice cream). 

This part of the journey can be super frustrating when you don’t understand what’s going on and why you can’t still with anything long term. It’s even more difficult when you don’t have the right support to help guide you through. 

When I’m working with my clients, I can often sense when this is about to hit. Just last week I had a client who’s made amazing progress, and sure enough self-sabotage hit her hard this week. We spent the session exploring what triggered her sabotaging behavior and what she’ll do differently next time. Now, she has more self-compassion and confidence that she can handle the situation differently next time.

The true test of success and lifelong changes is first recognizing that this is a part of the journey. And it means that you ARE indeed making big changes in your life. If you weren’t really changing anything, your critter brain wouldn’t be freaking out. 

The second test of success is determined by what you do following those moments of self-sabotage — are you going to give up on your goals and throw in the towel on all the progress you’ve made? Or are you going to give yourself some grace, explore what triggered your sabotaging behavior, and start fresh tomorrow with a new perspective and level of self-awareness?

Remember: 

You’re not a failure. You’re right where you’re supposed to be. You’ve got this.